Hollowness
by RinLune
Summary: In the world after a war that marred the planet; people just want to forget. Ichigo hasn't forgotten. The war left him without a soul. Without a will to do much of anything but fight the urge to just forget it all. Grimmjow, an Espada- alien to Ichigo's planet- is fascinated with this guy, especially when he finds out Ichigo had been in the war. Grimmjow/Ichigo } AU
1. Ch 1 I'm no Hero

**Author's Note:** I honestly forgot which account I had this posted on first, but I thought I'd re-post it since I have it at a stopping point where I'm satisfied-ish. I mean, stories can go on forever, right? It's like art. Art is never finished- just stopped. Anyway, the song I thought of while writing the other half of this was **SIVIK - High**. I would highly suggest listening to that at the last two chapters.

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"_How do we justify our actions against one another? We cut, slash, shoot, and bomb people till they are done dead gone. War is war. In history, our history, all there is, is continuous streams of wars. Our actions are not justified more than it was then." My leader spoke as I sat there pulling in another drag from a vapor piece that hung around my neck and was as about as big as a small mouthpiece. Got to love the advancements in technology._

"_So, I say again, how do we justify our actions when killing another person, another living being, such as ourselves?" I looked up through my eyelashes to the commanding officer- I was his second in charge sitting next to where he stands._

"_We show how the enemy deserves their punishment." A lower ranked officer spoke out with confidence, but he was just a greenhorn. He's still far too innocent._

"_Wrong!" My commanding officer shouted now glaring at the lower ranked one whom cowered under his wrath of such an answer. "You hope to god you find a reason to justify yourself, or else...you will lose yourself." I said as vapors slid around my mouth in a thick cloud much like smoke. The squad now focused on me as I leaned my head back against the tank- also known as OFT- operable flying tank._

"_You'll lose your sense of being with each kill you make. You'll be plagued by all that you harmed in the name of your country. You will turn into a deadened being of your former self...and that is when they take you, turn you, and you will be fighting your own in the name of nothingness. Because that is what you will be if you cannot justify yourself; nothingness." I stared up to the clouds floating by the gleaming blue sky. At times I thought it taunted me._

"_Everyone gets lost though...that's why there is such a high drop rate because the average one has stays is six months." Turning my eyes to the new blood that spoke, "The others get pulled out when signs start showing of emptiness, right?" I pulled in another breath of my thick sweet vapor that delivered a wonderful dose of nicotine to my brain._

"_We can't save everyone." My commanding officer said in a simple state fact with his voice low and heavy. "Also, Kurosaki here may be my lieutenant, but...this is his seventh tour." All eyes were on me and incredibly wide. I was doing this shit for 3 and a half years. I believed in what I did, and it saved me every time, and nothing in my views will change. Some just need to die. And the ones who live for nothing, kill for nothing, eat for nothing- who are nothing but mindless killing machines; they need to die. The screams they make, the begs they fake- I don't care...it was nothing. They feel nothing...they are nothing._

I shot up from my sleep gasping again. Cold sweat covered my twitching muscles. Panting heavily, I stared at my lap, sweat dripped onto my lap as I tried to calm my nerves. After a few moments I gave a groan and sigh before falling back onto my bed thinking about the war once again- like always.

In 2018 aliens invaded the planet Earth, or we thought they were invading to kill us, but they didn't. They wanted peace and happiness, and we were all for that. We shared the planet with the aliens teaching them our ways as they taught us theirs- their food is insanely off putting with the colors and tastes. Then in 2034 another species came to the planet, but they weren't here to play nice. They were soul suckers, so to speak. They were empty on the inside and killed all in their way without any form of regret. When you lose yourself, they possess your soul, and turn you into one of them. They drafted _everyone_ for that war. Man, woman, and damn near children. It didn't end for what seemed forever. I grew up into it.

My dad was a medical doctor for the UAF- united alien fighters. My mom had been a nurse, so naturally I grew up watching what those aliens did to so many people, and so many ally aliens. I started fighting in the war when I was fifteen, and it ended five years later. I was in it for five years. Even though I was set for life by the government there was nothing in this world that could distract me enough for me to keep my sanity about me.

I can see all of the faces in my head that I killed, and all the ones that seemed so...full of life. I've killed my own comrades who got lost. I tried to save them before, but that had been a huge mistake. I ended up getting half of my platoon killed in the process. Those aliens were just _hollow_ devoid of what had use to be a soul. We ended up killing them...there were no survivors. I can remember the last kill with my hands. He had seemed to be a _child_. That child had gutted a comrade, so I had shown no mercy. As the light faded away in the child's' eyes he had spoken, _"Thank you."_ He said that as if what I had done had set him free- saved him.

Closing my eyes to the memories. Even when I did close my eyes the memories wouldn't fade away. They were burned into my brain, my soul, my being completely. Growing up with that and killing so many- there was no way I could even begin to let anything go. It's only been two years since the war has ended, but it still feels like yesterday to me...inside my head.

Giving a gruff huff as I flung the sheets off of my overheated body and hopped out of bed. I strolled to the dark gray wall and slid my hand along it. The wall turned transparent showing the outside world. People walked by the apartment complex without a care. The aliens who are our allies looked a lot like us, but they had different forms. Like...some sort of animal. Animals that look familiar, and others...you're just not sure what the hell. They also had a variety of natural hair colors and eye tones. They pretty much could be the color spectrum. Their skin tone tends to be the same as ours though. I sighed heavily and leaned against the wall- my brow pressing against the cool surface. I let my thoughts wonder.

It is now 2056. The ones who fought in the war were slowly disappearing. I mean this by suicides. The war was so spiritually damaging not many could stand it. In fact, there has been polls saying that eventually all that have served in the war that lasted twenty years will all eventually off themselves. That was a boost for my confidence. The hollows, what we call them, form of attack was to cause damage and bite, or just bite, and literally eat a part of your soul. It was physically draining and painful. I've been a snack to plenty of hollows. Oddly enough their bite never left marks permanently. The mark would last about a day or two. After that first bite- you always feel like something is missing.

That is why it was rare for anyone to last up to six months in the war. Six months means you're an old veteran. I've seen most of the people leave within a month. The polls say those will be the last to commit suicide since most of them are intact. That, or, they'll be shoved into a mental hospital. These days I have yet to meet anyone that has spent over a month in the UAF, much less six months, or any of them at all. The suicide toll was at tens of millions- it took a hit on population, as one could imagine, so we're at around 8 billion people and 2 billion of the friendlies. The war took a _large_ toll. Over 3 billion humans and 500 million friendlies- roughly anyway. They did a count...they keep track. Less than a million people who served as infantry are alive worldwide, so that is why I rarely _ever _meet a fellow infantry of UAF. Because, of course, the ones who did not actually fight a hollow didn't get their soul bitten into and ripped out, so those guys are fine...just talk about war stories at times and people that they knew in the infantry.

We're becoming ghosts to the nation's eyes. A sad picture painted. When one sees a person, they know has served they get this look in their eye...I call it "Dead man Walking" look. You can see the sadness and pity in their faces. They respect us. Honor us. Free drinks for what life you have left, or whatever else you want. I'd rather them save their sympathies and treat me like a living person, and not like I'm dead already.

"Television: on." Spoke lightly hearing a flicker in my apartment. Aside from the bathroom; it is all one room. No other walls separated anything. I liked an open area where I could see everything. It didn't make me feel better, but it was just nice- not so much of a hassle to get to a room. _It should be about time._ The media, and medical keep track of the UAF's infantry, or try to anyway. We blend into the system at times. Like I am invisible. My medical records are with my dad. I haven't been to any other hospital. He's helped hide away others too, others who didn't want the attention.

"-a warm week ahead for sure, Hana. Now for UAF news." I didn't turn away from the outside world but listened. "We honor heroes who have fallen this week. Three UAF's have moved onto another life. We honor cadet Rico Adams: may he finally rest in peace. We honor Sargent Riko Yamamoto: may he finally rest in peace, and we honor captain Aurora Abbiati; may she finally rest in peace. We will take a moment of silence and pay tribute to the fallen with the songs of their nations."

"Television: off." Hearing a flicker and then silence as a national anthem had begun. It didn't matter if I turned it off or not though because the alarms around the entire cities would play them every Sunday at nine in the morning. You could hear nothing else but the national anthems playing. You couldn't hear the hum of cars flying down on the indented roads- cars on a track really. You could not hear the advertisements of tv's on buildings- everything was silenced by the anthems. It was the only reminder in these days that the war had happened. The only indication that the war happened. Half of the war was in space and on the moon. Explosions took place a lot on the moon...poor rock. The other half was here. Random bouts of hollows came out of the most random places.

So, the national anthem for the USA began first. I strolled around my area getting more than boxer-briefs put on. I slid on a pair of black jeans that fit like a glove, a regular white tee, and a pair of socks. As I slid on my shoes the next anthem played. Kimi Go Yo- the Japan national anthem. As it started, sang it under my breath,

**"Kimi ga yo wa-" **It started, "The thousands of years of happy reign be thine;" I sang softly, "**Chiyo ni yachio ni,"** it continued, "Rule on, my Lord. Till what are pebbles now. By age united to mighty rocks shall grow. Whose vulnerable sides the month doth line." I gave a sigh and stood at the window wall area once more. Giving the wall a swipe, I rested my hand there, and dropped my thoughts revolved about the ones fallen.

_The war in the public's view is fading but lives on in our memory. There is no way to say rest peacefully. Not one. Because I know for a fact that your spirit will never be whole again. So, I say this to you- nothing. I will bow my head for you. That is all...because to wish you well- hmph...you will never be well again. The public is deluded in their imaginary silver linings to make themselves feel better, but I am not... goodbye my friends._

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**1 Year Later**

"Seriously, Ichigo...you need to try and get help at least." My longtime friend spoke to me seriously. He moved with me to North America- aka USA last year. I needed a change of scenery. Japan was getting old. You can imagine the chaos my family put up for me leaving, but after agreeing to their commands, they stopped bitching. I call them once every day and video chat three times a day on weekends, which means once in the morning, then noon, and then night. I can't say I don't blame them for wanting me to do that. I felt like I was pretty much the only UAF left on this damn planet.

I couldn't be though...because even though the news says they all have passed- I am still here. Of course, who know how many like myself there are- lost in the system. "They cannot help me, Shinji." I solemnly spoke as I tugged on my brown leather jacket. "At least go to a group therapy session. You promised your dad." _Oh yeah, forgot about that shit. _I let out another sigh. "Good, now go sign up for one, or just show them your actual medical records." Giving a light glare, the blond raised his hands in surrender, and I waved open my door. "Or you can just show them your badge." The door, much like metal but pliable, slid up and then closed behind me as I ignored Shinji's last words.

_Me in a therapy class, which one would I take? Mental, anger, or behavioral? _Snorting to my own thoughts, _I probably need all the therapy classes in the world. It still won't help me._ Giving my head a shake; I jogged down the sleek white steps with reflective edges. They glow very dimly. Apparently, it helps people who are old, or near blind to get up the stairs. I myself do not have problems going up or down stairs. Though I do get drunk quite frequently, but that never helps...memories always come back and consume me.

I walked down the sidewalks that were so clean looking one would probably eat food right off of it. People passed by one another without another look. No one looked at me oddly for having bright orange hair. No one cared anymore as a group with pink, green, and fire red hair went by. Yeah, no one cares about how odd my hair color is for just a _human_. Though I do often wonder if I was 100 percent human, but my dad says I am. Though at times I wonder with that damn guy.

I felt on edge as I walked down the street. I always did. I was always on edge- even in my sleep. I was just a bit more tense with people around me. _God, there is no amount of therapy that can even relax me._ Depression sank over me to that thought. Don't get me wrong. I may have yet killed myself, but I'm not going to lie and say I haven't thought about it. I wanted to prove to the world, silently, that not all of us are gone from the infantry. Not all of us are dead. Not all will kill themselves. Mostly I wanted to prove to myself that if I can do it, so can others. If I am doing it, so are others.

"So, why do you feel that you need anger management classes?" The woman at the reception desk asked me with a bit of a confused smile. I just stared at her bright purple eyes in apathy. I pulled out my wallet and opened it. Looking inside my own wallet I saw my old badge. It is a skeleton head cutout with fire going around it- black and white patch. With a commander pin under was an easy way to get _anything_ honestly, and I mean _anything._ It works insanely well with mental health clinics. I lifted up my badge and pressed it to the protective window. Her purple eyes widened drastically on the badge, and slowly they slid to me.

"Uh...I thought..." Her voice faded slowly, and I put away my sleek black wallet into my light blue jeans. "Not all of us, and for this reason...I don't want sympathy. Pity. Money...I want to be invisible. I still need help though. Can you do that?" She nodded quickly,

"Yes, of course." I nodded slowly, "Thanks, and don't put any information about my past in there, please." She looked at me through her thick black lashes- that look was there. The dead man walking look was clear in her expression. "Yes, sir."

"Thanks..."

"So!" A chipper man that was wearing clogs and a green and white strapped bucket hat started. I hated sitting in circles. It made me feel even more edgy just because it was a formation, I took a lot. It was to watch what was behind others...or above or coming out from below. It wasn't very therapeutic in any way. "We have a new member joining us today. Say hello everyone." I was gestured to with a hand. I was sitting next to the therapist- I guess his name is Kisuke- something or another. Everyone was just glaring at me.

It seemed that they were all glaring at me. In the circle there is eight, including myself, and they were all just staring at me in near apathy or pissed off looking. Though it is anger management, so I wasn't sure if the state of pissiness was because of me or not. Though the guy with the bright blue hair and eyes was really fucking glaring at me as if I had wronged him somehow. His long tan arms were even crossed over his chest. From here I think I can see his pupils shifting into something of a cat's eye.

"Okay, don't mind them. This is their first week as well. You know you did join a group that was _forced_ to take these classes, correct?" He asked almost wary of the blunet that sat directly across from me. Apparently, he noticed the glare as well. "Yeah...I had an agreement with my father, so here I am." He gave a nod, "Alright then, so this works like this...either you introduce yourself, or I read off your records revealing some dirty secrets on the way." I all but just slightly gaped at the man. _He what? That's private information. What kind of therapist is this damn guy?_ Turning my attention to the group- they were all now dull, but that blunet. He still was glaring at me.

"I'm Ichigo...new to the area. What else did you want?" Asked Kisuke as he smiled a bit to me, "Why are you here?" He simply asked. I thought I already answered that though previously. "Like I said; my dad and I made an agreement." He nodded, "Yes, I know, but why are _you_ here?" This was reminding me of the movie anger management in a funny kind of ironic way._ What the hell does this guy mean? _I opened then closed my mouth trying to think of a response.

"Because my psychiatrist said that I'm fucked?" My blunt and dry answer made a harsh and sudden laugh come from a girl with blond hair making me jerk just a little bit. I absolutely_ loathe _sudden noises. I kept my shoulders from tensing up further and sagged them just a bit. "Now really? Psychiatrists don't say that. They like figuring people out and helping." How chipper can this guy be? His tone reminded me of my dad, but without the jumping around and trying to kick me in the head.

_Tell that to the eight psychiatrists, three neurophysiologists, ten therapists, and four counselors that I had. _Thought grimly with a scowl to show for it. "Whatever." Grumbled and leaned further into the green cushioned seat that was rather comfortable to sit in. I wish I could control the gravity on it though so I could get it to go lower. Everything was damn near airborne these days.

"Ah, passive aggressive type. I'll asked again, Ichigo, why are you here?" I licked my teeth slowly and took in a slow breath._ What does he want from me?_ I wouldn't snap like Adam Sandler on that really damn old movie from the...eighties, maybe- well, something like that. I then thought about his words before I started chuckling- all I got was an arched brow from most. Others just looked like they couldn't care less. The blunet was still glaring at me. _Seriously, what the hell is his problem?_ I wondered idly if that was his natural expression.

"Something amusing you?" Sue me, so I found passive aggressive and me in the same sentence funny as hell. "Oh hell...sorry, passive aggressive. Shit. I am in no way passive about anything. Look hat-n-clogs, I don't care why I am here. You ask me again and I swear...my foot will meet your face before you can blink again." Kisuke sucked in his bottom lip and chewed it for just a moment before releasing it.

"And continuing. Everyone, please introduce yourself to Ichigo, and why you're here. Tatsuki, you begin." Kisuke waved over to the black-haired girl who looked like she wanted nothing more to leave. "I'm Tatsuki. I kicked a girl face in repeatedly because she deserved it." I gave a slow nod to that. Shit, if I kicked someone's face in, it would actually be _in._ It was the training I received in the UAF.

The training is called Kaszás Halál, which means Death Reaper. It was a style created not for self-defense like all other fighting styles, but for the specific reason to kill. It was created just for the UAF infantry to use, no one else. Once taking away the element for self-defense; fighting became _ruthless._ The fight was meant to cause serious bodily harm and, or, death. When you look at the fighting types in the world it is for defense or minimal bodily injury. When people make something to kill...then they make a style of fighting that should_ never_ be taught. Every strike was for severe injury or death- nothing else.

It was also a style that was almost impossible to master. In fact, the only ones who knew it the best were the ones who taught it, and the ones who actually mastered it were commanders of the infantry- there were only ever 16; me being one. Why? Because you learn how to make it better when actually_ killing_ someone. The style isn't taught to anyone anymore because there is no use for it. It was passed on though in a small group of people for more of a history reason or just in case we do need it again. Hopefully no one will need it again. The ones who knew that style was often referred to as soul reapers. For two reasons. One: we have souls, and two: we're reaping. So, in a way the infantry was known as the soul reapers.

"Hey, fucking listen!" I jerked up a bit- I had been staring at my knees in thought with my arms over my own chest. The blunet was sending a fiery gaze to me looking absolutely _livid._ "Sorry." Gave out the half-assed apology seemed to settle the blunet a bit, but he still looked insanely ticked off. _Maybe I am passive...compared to him._ "Grimmjow is the name, so don't fucking forget it because I won't tell your ass again. I'm here for eight months because of kicking the asses of the courts who were going to send me here for a month for knocking the shit out of a chick. She littered the fuckin' memorial to UAF, she trashed it completely, so I trashed her face- bitch." Again, I was but agape. The room went a bit silent.

"So, I'm guessing your therapists and shit said you're fucked too?" This actually managed to get the blunet Grimmjow to smirk even though I was certain he would've bitten my head off. "Oh yeah." I huffed a bit with a slight smirk myself. _Well he's interesting._

"I'm Hiyori. You call me snaggletooth and I'll kick your ass." Blinking a bit to her, she sneered at me, and her bottom lip caught on her canine showing off that she does indeed have a snaggletooth. "I'm here for suffocating a guy for calling me that." _Right, small chicks are damn crazy._ There was also a guy named Renji here. He is here for blowing up at his boss for nagging at him all of the time. Also, a girl named Soi Fon...she has attachment issues, so she's working them out here. Anyone so much gets near her cousin and she goes ballistic on their ass, I guess. Then there is a guy named Ikkaku who's top just blows when someone calls him bald or makes fun of his baldness. I guess absolutely no remedies work on his head- even the new age shit. He's bald for life. Implants fall out too. It is strange.

"Okay, good job everyone. Now, let's begin the session from where we left off last time. Grimmjow you were next down the line. Talk about how in detail what lead you to do what you did." _How is this supposed to help? Him talking about it would only piss him off again, right? Damn, there is still forty minutes left in this session._ I looked at the cloth on the wall that showed seconds passing by in a floating light- it was a projector from the wall.

"What the fuck do you mean what lead me to it? I just fucking said it not five minutes again. The fucking bitch was leaving trash all over the UAF memorial." It was like acid falling from Grimmjow's mouth, which I found very intriguing. I mean...he just seemed to actually care. "Why does it matter?" Asked accidentally out loud making blue eyes lash on me. _Oops, didn't mean for that to come out._

"Why...does it matter? Why does if fucking god damn matter?!" Kisuke sighed lightly and his head lowered in near defeat. "That is all there is left of the UAF- of the people who actually fought in that fucking shit storm of a war! And you fucking ask why it fucking matters? How about some fucking respect for those billions who died to save your shitty orange ass!" I rubbed the back of my head lightly giving it a bit of a scratch- _that felt good._

"It's a granite slab of shit with names carved into it, of which, you can barely see." Grimmjow rolled up onto his heels looking ready to pounce, but Renji off to his left pulled his shoulder back from one side, and Hiyori from the other side. He probably would've jumped me if they weren't there. His eyes were fully feline type now, and his canine teeth were longer than before. "Tanks would've been a good memorial." Said cutting him off from what he was about to say. He paused to the spoken words...

"OFT's, and why? Inside and out were names...names put there by the ones whom actually fought in the war. Deeply engraved- the names are clear as the sun in the sky. The OFT's are soaked in blood saying a story of tragedy and hardship- sacrifice and pain...love. Pictures scatter the inside walls, clothes, liquor, and empty clips of ammo on the flooring. OFT's would have been a proper memorial instead of a white slab of damn granite in the middle of towns. Why not OFT's? Because, it's not as appealing to look at as a shiny white slab that one can easily ignore. No one can ignore an OFT. The emotions would be too real for people. People don't want to see how bad it was. In honesty, people want to forget, and put it way behind them." I pushed my seat forward till my knees were touching Grimmjow's. I lowered my voice as luminous blue eyes bore into my own.

"There was nothing as pretty as that in war. There was nothing white and light about it. Black would've been better if they were going to try anything. Why should anyone respect a memorial made for specific reason to hide how horrific it had been? So yeah, that memorial is a piece of shit." Slowly hands on Grimmjow's shoulder slowly moved off, as he didn't seem to be trying to force a pounce. Those irises constricted a few times before rounding off into a normal pupil once more that was rather dilated. I stared, studied, the luminous blue eyes that brightened and darkened in color. It looked like a wave slowly crashing with its watery surface. Going dark too bright in rippling form. It was incredibly...captivating.

"...okay then. Sounds like someone is a bit upset about the memorial as well. Ichigo, why are you so angry about it?" Kisuke said, but I really just wanted to stare into Grimmjow's eyes more. _Damn...that's really cool._

"Wow...I never really looked at an arrancars eyes before...that's truly something." Muttered to the blunet, and like a large wave- his eyes dilated heavily then constricted into pinpricks. "Espada." He informed. The aliens that came first with peace, love, and prosper called themselves two things. Arrancar, which is the normal population of the species, and then Espada, which were the fighters of the species. By birth mind you. Fighting behavior, qualities, and techniques are passed down through their DNA. There aren't many true born fighters, so running into an Espada is even rarer.

I felt my eyebrows lift a bit as I cocked my head to the side slightly. "No shit? Hah, and you're in anger management? Ironic." Grimmjow grinned sideways to this. Espada's tend to have a loose cannon _way_ more than most. Sometimes some of them are chill from the stories I have been told, but I wouldn't personally know. "What form do you take? Feline?"

"Um, what's going on?" Heard Tatsuki asked but ignored it for my point of interest right now. "I thought that was obvious." Grimmjow bantered back, but not with the same kind of livid anger in his voice or eyes. "I wanted to make sure, some have your attributes but are...some sort of bat...something or other reptilian." Spoke with the wave of my hand and the shake of my head in slight annoyance when trying to figure out who was what when I was in infantry since I'd have to separate wolves from cats, and cats from bats, and the whole nine yards or they'll be biting at each other all day and night. They wouldn't kill each other, but no one would get any rest.

"Oh, hey, being espada; do you have the plated armor too?" Asked with curiosity peaking and interesting swarming through me. Grimmjow seemed...almost pleased to be the center of someone's attention. I think it is the cat within that makes him feel that. Before he could answer my chair was pulled back with a slight jerk, and that made me jump up to my feet and spin around on my heels to face what the hell- oh, _it is Kisuke._ He looked at me then the chair as he had it back in its previous spot next to him.

"As much as I do appreciate a calmer Grimmjow; this session must go on." I gave my normal scowl to the blond as I took my seat once more. I relaxed my nerves that tensed up to the sudden movement not done by me. _I swear if I don't die of suicide; stress is going to be what kills me._ "Sorry." Spoke with a bit of a shrug.

"It's alright. Now, Ichigo, like I asked before. Why are you so upset with the memorial? More than surface feelings...go deep." I stared at him blankly, "Isn't it Hiyori's turn, or something?" He gave a slow nod, "Yes, but I believe we're all curious about the memorial you talked about." I quirked up a brow, "Why?" Asked very confused since people pass the memorial every day with almost no interest at all. "Because," Started Ikkaku, and I turned to him.

"I never heard of the OFT having names carved into them before, and I've heard a lot of stories from UAF staff about all kinds of shit. They never talked about the tanks." So, all in all, they were curious to know what I knew about the weaponry.

"Why would they talk about it? They never seen them. The only ones who saw OFT's were the ones who made them, the ones who fought in them, and then the medical crew at times. I grew up in medical. I saw a lot of them."

"No shit? Did you ever see a hollow?" Hiyori asked almost innocently, and the others seemed a bit apprehensive to the answer. "Of course. A lot of the patients turned hollow, but usually all patients were chained down as a safety procedure, so no one ever got bit, and killed very rarely." _Surprisingly._

"Can I see?" I blinked to Tatsuki's request to see my memory. There is a way for people to see other memories thanks to some headband like device, and they could also record it, but no one recorded the memories of any of the battalions. Like I said, no one truly wants to remember the biggest blood war in history.

"Uh..." Started. It'd take some serious concentration on my part. I'd have to keep my mind solely on one memory, or else it'll jump to another. Whatever memory or image one thinks about it will show up on screen. I didn't want people to really know who I was. I hated the looks that they gave me. I'm still alive damn them. "Sure...I guess..."

"Kisuke, how about it? I swear I'll stop arguing for thirty minutes." With Renji's words Kisuke was already getting the headband. _I guess he argues a lot._ The headband is simple titanium metal with a series of pads that go around the head, and a small little camera projects in front of the person wearing the band the memory. There are also little speakers next to the camera because it can also translate your voice thoughts into actual audio.

"This session just became interesting." Soi-Fon said with a slight hum as she watched Kisuke put the piece of equipment on my head and turned it on. I saw the image in front of me- it was Grimmjow's eyes swirling. Can you blame me? They were, "Really cool." Well, the audio is working. With this I saw through the projection- Grimmjow giving a bit of a snort like laugh with a near shark like grin on his face. The projection went black when I thought of the exact memory I wanted to show._ Focus..._ thought to myself, and heard it.

"_Ichigo! Ichigo where are you?" Heard the near to worried tone of my mother searching for me in the hospital wing. I was looking at a white curtain that surrounded the bed I was on. I could barely make out my mother's voice due to a soldier just turn hollow. It was screaming. Its voice is haunting. It sounded as empty as the bone mask they bore looked. "Ichigo please come out!" I turned my gaze down to the bed. There was a hollow lying beneath me- I was sitting cross legged on the hollow as he jerked violently against the chains to get to me. I could see his large teeth snap at me between howls. There is a hole going straight through its chest. It signified that one is truly a hollow._

"_Ichigo!" I turned and saw my mother there. Her eyes widened in fear for me. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" She whined out in relief and light anger as she came over to me, scooped me up into her arms, and pulled me away from the bed. "What were you thinking getting that close to one?" She lectured as I watched the hollow get more and more distance as she walked away._

_"I just wanted to give him company...as he turned. He was all alone." Spoke as I looked up to her finally when he was out of sight. She blinked at me dumbly before smiling- her face then flashed and had blood all over it._ I pulled up the device from my head and the image faded to nothing. There was nothing but silence. I tensed a bit when the headband was taken.

"Okay, I think you've shared quite enough for today. So, Hioryi, your turn." Kisuke said brightly now trying to change the subject. Hiyori gave a glare to Kisuke before sighing. She talked, but my mind was far from her spoken words. I hadn't thought about my mother in a while. Maybe it is because her death hurt the most. Her death was like the thousands of thousands of hollows that I killed. The guilt was like no other. I shouldn't have ran off like I did all of the time. I truly wasn't safe at all like I felt it had been. I looked up through my dark orange lashes and saw Grimmjow looking at me. His gaze is analytical as it burned on me.

"And that is all for today. Well see you Tuesday everybody. Have a good Monday." Kisuke cheered. I stood from my seat stiffly and moved with near haste till I was out of the room. "Good monday? Who in this planet ever has a good damn monday?" I heard Ikkaku bite out from inside the room still. I would've snorted to the comment, but I felt myself falling inside; drowning in a pool of water of which is endlessly deep and there is no surface.

"PTSD must be a bitch." I twisted around to the voice suddenly in my ear- can you blame me for reacting near violently? I had the voice against the wall with one hand nearly diving under and in the ribcage area to rip out the heart, and my other hand up at the chin. Fingers curled in towards the neck to tear out the carotid artery and throat. My movements stopped when I saw blue then blood. Blood was sliding down my fingertips of my hand on his chin. Blue eyes; they were wide on me. I shaky breath left me as my gaze slid down to the chest of the taller and broader man. My fingers made a hole through the shirt, but I didn't see any blood- well that's good.

"...Sorry..." Whispered pulling my hands away. The cuts in his chin were shallow, and since he's an Espada, he'll heal quick. "You...that was death reaper style." I finally looked back up into blue eyes hardening my shell- I didn't want him to see it. I don't want to see that look on his face. "You weren't just in medical, were you?" I spun around once more and trekked down the hall in fast stride that I would proclaim as speed walking. I heard footsteps quickly following behind me.

"Death reaper was taught exclusively to battalions going into battle. No other branch was to learn it." Grimmjow sounded almost_ excited_. Which for me is a really odd tone of voice to hear when it comes to the damned war in general. I twisted going down halls and getting in an elevator. I would ignore the blunet though. The elevator was twenty times faster than stairs, though it was a mild contemplation, but he is a feline.

"Not even the ones who taught it did it as well as the ones who applied it in battle, or that's what they say. You would know that though, wouldn't you?" I didn't even look at Grimmjow as he breathed that into my ear, as if everything he was saying is a secret. With a ring of the transparent doors; they slid open. I moved, quickening my pace, to hopefully lose my follower. "What were you? A flier? Foot soldier? Weapons operator?" At least he kept his voice down through the lobby. _He sounds way too ecstatic for his own damn good._ The front doors slid open, and we exited the building, though he was still hot on my tail.

"I was a week away from being drafted, but then it ended. Where were you when it ended?" _Damn, he's fucking persistent. _I jogged up a few staircases heading towards my home that is about a mile or so from where I am now. I gave a near growl when I stopped abruptly and turned glaring into fascinated blue eyes. "Would you fucking leave me the hell alone? Look, I learned the shit from watching others do it. How else do you think they killed the ones in the hospital wing?" The look on his face finally fell serious but appeared to be studying me again.

"No non-fighter has those reflexes." His statement was simple, but very true. No non-fighter has the hones reflexes of an actual fighter. I returned to my pursuit of my home. "Why aren't you being tracked by the government? Are there others still here?" I jogged across the street during a red light, but I didn't care. I dodged cars flying by me going up to two-hundred miles per hour. "You know no sane person would run through traffic like this." Grimmjow shouted out sounding a bit amused._ He is...amused?_ I got to the sidewalk and found him right there. His chest not too far away from my own, and eyes drilling into my own. _He's amused...what is wrong with guys bag of bolts? _His expression was so...serious on me, but he wasn't giving me that _look_. That I oh so loathe.

"...infantry." His eyes lit up a bit, "Mostly..." finished with a bit of bitterness. He looked at me with a look of...curiosity and interest. Well I guess there is a first for everything. I swear there is a bit of jealousy in his eyes too. _How much did he actually want to fight in that shit fest? _Moving away from him. I continued my stroll home, but with less running. Grimmjow walked besides me in silence for the moment._ I wonder how long this will last._ Grimmjow stayed quiet for a while- in fact all the way to my apartment complex.

"Are you going to follow me up into my home too?" Asked blandly as I opened the door and slid in, and what do you know, he followed. "You didn't answer my question." I jogged up the steps. I could take the elevator, but I do like steps. "My dad has my records for medical, so I'm not in the system. As for others...I haven't seen another in over a year."

"Why are you staying hidden though?" I got up the last staircase and strolled down to my door. Putting my hand on it, it read my hand, and the door slid open. Shinji was out for work- how nice. "Because I'm not too fond of people looking at me like I'm already dead. Good day, Grimmjow." Slipping into my apartment. I felt my shoulders slouch forward when I heard a thump sound combined with a 'shh-ik' sliding sound. Looking off to my left, and down, Grimmjow was on the floor of my apartment. "Really?" I twisted and put a foot on one side of him then sat down on his broad chest.

"The hell are you doing?" He jerked a bit from me sitting on him. Again, his elongated eyes dilated heavily. I rested my arms on my knees and just stared at the espada beneath me. _Why is he so curious, so interested in knowing the details? Why is he not looking at me with that look, or anything that others normally do? I don't get it. Does it have to do with espada blood?_ Wondered as I grabbed his jaw and turned his face- forcefully mind you, and then turned it the other way. _He looks like other arrancar, so what makes him different? _I considered the espada beneath me. Maybe it is because he is a fighter that he finds me interesting to the higher degree. Maybe it's because I am alive, he is excited, and that I should be showing off to everyone that I am alive. Maybe those are some of the reasons?

I released Grimmjow's chin and just stared into those fluctuating blue orbs that didn't know if they wanted to be round pupils or cat eyes. "I don't need the public reminding me of how torn I am. I don't need them to have a clock ticking down for me, and I most definitely don't need the pity. I don't need medical examiners with healers to look at me with that...fucking look." Bit out bitterly. Grimmjow was just looking up at me seemingly unable to speak as my head hung lower.

"That look when they feel my soul for damage..." The anger in my voice faded a bit as I dropped my elbow next to his head and leaned down having our faces mere inches apart. I moved my dazed eyes from Grimmjow's chin to his eyes. "That look telling me that I'm already dead inside due to all of the pieces ripped out. I already know all of that. So why, Grimmjow, would I make myself known?" Leaning back a bit; Grimmjow's mouth moved to form words, but none came out. He swallowed then licked his teeth with his eyes adverted away for just a moment before returning to me.

"Respect and honor." I snorted to that even as he glared to the response. "Grimmjow...people don't want to remember...they want everything bad to be pushed to the background. I am a reminder of things 99.9 percent of the population wants to forget. You being that 0.1 apparently." Huffed a bit near the end before standing up to my full height.

"I want to know..." I stared down into sincere blue orbs that settled with a normal round pupil. Considering him once more; I felt my muscles relax.

"I'll only answer one more question today about UAF then you have to go." Grimmjow pulled himself to his feet and faced me. He looked deep in thought as he crossed his arms over his chest and rubbed his chin. Finally, his eyes met mine once more.

"What rank were you?" I walked over to my open kitchen and grabbed a glass cup. "Many ranks. My last stop was commander." I swear Grimmjow's eyeballs looked like they were just about to pop out of his head.

"No way! And you didn't off yourself yet? You guys had the most damage dealt, right? Cuz' you were in there for the longest."

"I said one question. Don't be so fucking excited about it...it's nothing that major." I filled my glass with water. I sat it on the counter and just watched the water rock in the cup as it settled. "Not fucking major? You were a fucking commander."

"I think I'm starting to prefer the sympathetic words right about now." Grimmjow moved around my black counter to get within view for me to pay him more heed. "You lead armies on the battle fields. Drew up arms before anyone else. You are a fucking expert at the death reaper style, a hero amongst men." I admit, I snapped, but he asked for it honestly. I brushed the cup aside with pent up rage. It shot to the side of the room like a bullet and shattered against the wall fifteen feet away as I slammed my hands on the counter and glared up at this espada.

"I am not a hero!" Shouted at him trying to make him see that I was nothing short of pitiful. "I lead teenagers to their death! I let many others around me die for just one more hollow. I let squads fall because of the selfish reason of not letting go. I've killed my comrades that turned hollow. I watched them unable to move as they killed more under my command." My voice got lower as I continued in memory. "I am not a hero...I am a broken weapon." I turned away and leaned up against the counter. "Get out." I stared at the white wood floors as I heard his feet shuffle then stop in front of me. I grabbed the hand that barely brushed my cheek. Glaring up into luminous blue that were glaring back at me as if _he _were trying to make me see something instead of the other way around.

"You are a stubborn bastard, ya know that?" A low growl came from deep in Grimmjow's chest as he jerked his body into me and lowered his head tilting it to the side ever so slightly. His lips are warm and pressing against my own. That warmth sparked throughout my body making what felt lifeless feel again. The kiss was simple, and it seemed he was trying to prove a point, but I still wasn't sure on it as he jerked away and glared at me. "You're a fucking hero to me."

With that he released my slackened hands and marched towards the door and stopped there momentarily. "See ya tomorrow." Hearing the sound of the door shifting and Grimmjow's footsteps leaving. I sighed heavily and slumped down to the floor. I rubbed my face with a hand and frowned further.

_I am no hero._

"So... anger management didn't go so well I take it?" I looked through the cracks of my fingers and hair up to Shinji whom stood at the door looking down the hall, then to the shattered glass and water, and then to me. I let out a lighter sigh than before and let my head fall back against the stainless-steel counter doors. "It was fine."

"Uhm..." Shinji drawled coming in letting the door close behind him. "Then what just happened?"

"...I was called a hero...I'm no hero."

* * *

**Author's Note:** So, let me know if I should post the rest. I got about 19,000 other words to this story typed out.


	2. Ch 2 What do you feel?

"Then, so, well- I went to see the girl, right? To apologize and all. Then she tries to kick _me_ in the head...so yeah I kicked her again." Tatsuki exclaimed with a wave of her hand. I could not believe that Shinji convinced me to go today after yesterday's incident with the man that sat not too far in front of me. Whom of which is boring his eyes into the side of my skull as I eyed Tatsuki just to keep my attention off of him.

"Well...the judge believed you in this case, and thankfully you're not required to do any more than a month. Still be careful. Next time breathe and don't kick back, but simply dodge and perhaps pin if necessary." Kisuke explained with a light laugh and a nervous smile. Kisuke turned to me with that smile, "So, how about you, Ichigo? How are you dealing with your issues on the outside?" I stared at him blankly as if it was the dumbest question, he even asked me.

"Well I'm not dead yet, so I guess good." Though he wouldn't understand why the question is stupid, but one did...one. That one just snorted to my answer or his question. I am not quite sure. "There must be a reason why your dad wanted you to come here. Come on. Humor us." I gave a sigh and looked away from the man in slight irritation. My eyes caught blue ones and I could not help but stop on them. When I think of him at the moment, I think of how stupid it is that he thinks I am a hero, also...he kissed me. That train of thought came a long while after the fact. Gays and lesbians were norms now in days, so no one really thought of it at all. Everyone in these days have open minds compared to what I read back in the early 2000, and even more back in the 1900's, and then so forth. Anyway, when I think about that I can't help but think of how I felt.

It felt like warmth filled me filling that vast emptiness inside of me due to the lack of my soul. The softness I haven't felt in what seemed forever- I actually don't remember feeling that warm. I always feel...just empty and cold. _So cold...compared to that kiss._

"So, there is something you'd like to share?" Coming back to the situation. My eyes were drifted off to the side, and I was brushing my lips gently with my fingertips. Turning my attention back to hat-n-clogs, "I got into a lot of fights when I was younger, so it was either this, or a therapist. This just has more personality. Personally, I don't like being alone in a room with a guy trying to poke inside my head and tell me what I'm feeling and how to resolve it. I already know what I am feeling, and there is no way to resolve it."

"My! So negative, Ichigo. Why do you think there is no way to resolve what you feel?" I smirked to this and looked at my knees. "Was it your mother?" I felt my smirk drop right away to his question posed softly. "The last image yesterday was of your mother...in a not so pleasant state. Did you lash out...because of that?" I thought of the scene...my mother...of my mother. She protected me from some hollows as a kid in the hospital. They ate too much, and I was alone. She killed them, but it was too late. I watched her turn, and as my father came into the room with others, he saw her like that, and saw me stab her right through the mask that had formed and her brow. The mask had broken off and her eyes were on me...dead.

I had let out a long and slow breath feeling the pain that already overwhelms me grow further. One of my greatest pains I push away not allowing myself to feel it, but when I do- I so wanted to end my existence. Finally composing my outside image. I looked up to Kisuke with a hardened expression. "I killed my mother." Grey eyes widened to the statement.

"So, anything else?" Silence went through the room besides, you know, the screaming next door of how horrible some people's lives are. "Why..." I looked to the snaggle-tooth girl, Hiyori I think her name is, and she looked all but confused and shocked. "Why did you kill your ma?" I felt my heart clench tightly to those words, and the words that came to my mind were automatic. They fell off my lips like vomit, "All hollows _must_ die." She frowned to this.

"Your mom...became a hollow?" I didn't even want to acknowledge Tatsuki right now. I felt so uncomfortable baring myself even though it wasn't my complete self. It is so_ raw_. Forget the salt and lemon juice. It is just pure sulfuric acid pouring onto the nitric that is already in the wound. There was a loud irritated growl, "Hey, who gives a shit? I don't. And I really don't wanna fuckin' talk about death for forty minutes." My eyes shot up to those blue ones that conveyed that he was annoyed, but when they fell on me...for a moment they softened.

"Shit man, talk about being insensitive." Renji lectured followed by Tatsuki. Ikkaku made a comment of being inappropriate. Soi-Fon just scowled, crossed her arms, and shook her head in disapproval. Hiyori was hissing at Kisuke for something, but I couldn't make it out. All I was able to do as of the moment is watch Grimmjow leaned away from Tatsuki with a scowl marring his lips, and his eyes were closed._ Grimmjow..._I felt something that I have not felt in a while: nervous, but excited? It was butterflies inside of me. It made my breathing quicken, and my palms begin to sweat.

"Alright everyone calm down, calm down. Grimmjow that was rude. Please, apologize to Ichigo." With a huff Grimmjow looked at me. His eyes so deep and blue. Truly...his eyes are amazing. I saw those diamond pupils constrict greatly before relaxing. It looked like his pupils was nearly taking up his entire iris. My body moved on its own as I turned to Kisuke once more, "You should be the one apologizing for bring it up, Kisuke." Kisuke blinked a few times stupidly to me before he spoke slowly in shock, "I-I'm sorry...Ichigo."

"Forgiven, so who was next?" Soi-Fon took the reins beginning to talk about her in laws and how they judged her cousin of whom she worships like a goddess, because who she is obsessed over is a female. If we ask any more about said female, she'll start snapping accusations like nobody's business that makes no sense- she'll get violent too I guess but wouldn't know. The rest of the time in there I was just studying the espada. I knew quite a few espada. None had shown a moment of kindness such as Grimmjow did. Or maybe they did, and I did not catch it. It was rather subtle on the kindness side. Near the end of the session Grimmjow noticed my gaze- he had been arguing with Ikkaku after laughing his ass off for some taunts he had gotten. That finally died though. Those eyes were like blue waves...I could just watch them all day. I felt somewhat...I don't know, relaxed? It felt so new and almost welcoming.

"Whoa, Ichigo? Ah, I know this class is not your cup of tea, but I did not believe it was that dull." Arms went around me and pushed me up into a sitting position. I had passed out there for a moment. I had been so relaxed and soothed by those wildly intense blue eyes.

"Sorry." Kisuke sighed lightly, "It's alright. Dismissed. I'll see you all tomorrow. Tomorrow is a special day and that is all I will say for tomorrow's events." I stood up and shook off the sleepiness. "Have a good day everyone." I shoved my hands deep into my dark jean pockets as I left the room in silence. I felt the presence behind me but ignored it fully even when it came to my side. I was still reveling in what I felt with him near me, and then when he kissed me...

"You know you don't even fuckin' waver when staring at someone so blatantly?" It sounded as if it were a rhetorical question, so I didn't respond. We jogged down the steps of this building skipping the elevator this time. I like stairs. I know I can't get stuck on them...there's always a way off of a staircase. Though I stopped almost making Grimmjow trip, but luckily, he's of the feline gene.

"Grimmjow...thank you. Though I don't think of myself as you do...thanks." Grimmjow put his own hands in his pockets like I had been and shrugged for a response. I was fine with that gesture- completely. It wasn't like espadas to admit to doing something considerate. Let me rephrase that: do something considerate for a human. Jogging down the staircase once more. A thought came into my mind, "What is your power?" Asked with interest. I'm summing up the warmth I felt to his ability- whatever that may be.

"Why?" There were five more flights of stairs left to go down, and they are in a series of 82 steps each. I'd imagine for anyone who isn't used to stairs would hate going up with a passion. "Curious." Grimmjow gave a light hum to the response. "Kay, if I answer I get to ask you three questions about UAF today." Stopping on the third flight, I turned to Grimmjow with thumbs hooked on my jeans; I thought about the give and take offer- oh fuck it.

"Alright." Silence took over the stairway. Grimmjow lifted his hand between us and a bright blue energy curled around his fingertips. Fingertips that were now longer, and nails that were long claws. I had seen that kind of ability before. It cuts and burns and is very pliable to the user. Grimmjow was violent in every aspect of the word. So, me feeling relaxed around him- wait maybe that was it.

"Hmph, makes sense..." The bright entrancing blue faded, and his hand went back to a more human shape as he dropped it to his side. Pulling my attention away from the tanned hand to the owner of it. Low blue eyes studied me hard. I would say it was unnerving, but it didn't bug me really. Nothing really bugs me except that one look that I am tired of talking about and thinking about. "What makes sense?"

"Why I feel relaxed around you. I'm used to violence. Peace is what makes me feel on edge." Said matter-of-factly with a shrug to go with it. I continued me descent downstairs with my feline follower nearly right on my heels. "That's one hell of a way of trying to compliment someone." Grimmjow grunted out as our feet pattered against steps rapidly. I enjoyed going downstairs quite a bit to see how fast I can go down without actually running.

"I wasn't trying to compliment you. I'm just simply stating a fact." We got to the bottom floor and went out the front door. A few people near the door gave the two of us an odd look from coming out where we did- no one uses stairs here I guess, or something. Grimmjow quietly followed me out the door and looked around the bustling streets with almost a hateful look. It almost amused me to his disdain of people in general. I look at people with a general boredom and a slight annoyance. They take the look I give them as "deadpan", but whatever makes them feel better, I guess.

I trekked along the sidewalk watching others go by as I went towards not my apartment this time, but a nearby park. I could feel Grimmjow's heat besides me. His arm kept lightly brushing my own each time he avoided bumping into someone else. He'd give a light growl every now and again followed by a light sigh. I found it oddly amusing how he seems to treat others around him like a plague. _I guess we have a few things in common..._

"So, are you going to ask me anything?" Questioned the blunet as he relaxed when we entered the park that did not have as many people. The park has different levels. This park has six levels to it; stairs lead to each. The top has the least people since it's so high up. It was essentially a see-through building without roofs made into a park. So, it just looks like a colorful floating forest. We climbed the vine covered stairs going up a few levels in silence. I guess he really is thinking carefully on his questions for today.

"You said you grew up in UAM, medical, so how long did you serve as a UAF?" I held a slight fidget as I wanted to rub the back of my neck to the asked question. It was not something that I _gloat_ about since I get a lot of surprised looks and a flood of questions to follow. Like how I am alive and or sane. Internally I gave a sigh._ Damn, why did I have to say I would answer three questions?_

"I went in UAF when I turned fifteen and served till it ended." Grimmjow halted immediately on the stairs. We were thankfully out of ear range from everyone and we are almost on the sixth floor. I almost nervously peaked over my shoulder and into bright blue eyes that conveyed the shock that he must have felt. "Five years?" Rhetorical.

"What can I say? I'm stubborn. I had a one-track mind. I don't know." Shrugging and continuing upward with Grimmjow nearly burning my feet as he caught up to me and stayed there. "I-"

"Remember I'm only answering two more questions." Said effectively cutting him off. Grimmjow studied me momentarily as we now slowly went through thick brush that showed bright flowers of all kinds. I liked this place. It was everything that I wasn't. To my surprise Grimmjow stayed quiet. I now looked, studied, and wondered about him. Grimmjow didn't even look at me as his brows furrowed further and scowl increased. For a few long minutes he was like that. _Just what in the hell is he thinking about?_

Finally, his features relaxed, and he met my gaze again. "Just how much of your soul is left since the war?" We stopped in front of one of my favorite flowers. It is a calla lily. It supposed to mean pure. My sisters name means pure; Karin. I crouched down in front of it and started to caress the delicate petal with one of my gentlest of touches. "You said that medical and healers already think your dead when feeling you. How much is left of your soul?"

"...I can only feel a slight warmth in my chest every now and again...other than that it's empty." Muttered almost uncomfortable talking about it. I do not talk about it often. I keep it all bottled up because the ones I'd like to talk to about it does not want to hear about it. My dad knows my struggle to a certain degree and only looks at me with fear and sadness. Fear that I'll end myself and sadness knowing he cannot do anything to help.

"Do not refer to yourself as an it, dumbass." Grimmjow hissed with absolutely no heat in his tone whatsoever. "I think...I understand how hollows felt. Hollows were like they were because they had no soul at all. I think they felt warmth when they ate other human souls. The warmth would be addicting...because when you always feel nothing but cold and emptiness and feel anything other than that...you would fight to have it no matter what. But like feelings; warmth is fleeting, so they would have to get it again and again." Mentioning this made my mind drift to the fleeting kiss that Grimmjow placed upon my lips. _I want...to do that again to see if it is that, that made that feeling arise. Yeah, he'd look at me as a freak if I suddenly did that._

"You feel like a hollow." It was more of a statement than anything else coming off of his lips. "I suppose essentially I do." Said with a sigh as I stood straight up once more and hooked my thumbs on my jeans. "You show emotion just fine." Grimmjow said in a tone that made me snort.

"I know. It's weird. I can tell that I'm annoyed with something, or angry, or that I care, or love and so forth, but I can't actually...feel it. I can't feel my anger. My love for family. I can't feel the affection I have to that lily, but I can tell I have it. I would sum it up to an outer body experience."

"So, what gets you to actually feel?" I quirked up a brow and eyed the blunet, "You've already asked three questions." He pointed at me. "Not about UAF. I only asked two. The others are unrelated, and you did not make any rules." Huffing to his snap remark; I shook my head and gave a sigh. Finally turning to the espada that nearly demanded attention with his blue hair, eyes, and explosive personality. I felt my nerves jitter as I formed the words to answer his question in my mind. It was so new to feel, but again not.

"Honestly, I haven't felt anything really in six or so years. It mostly blurred together, but I felt-" I rubbed my chest a bit where my heart thrummed at a bit faster pace than normal. I had paused in words for just a moment to the thought of the kiss. "But I'm not sure." Grumbled as his face twisted with the confusion that seemingly clouded me. My hand drifted from my chest as my gaze dropped to the side in remembrance. I was brushing my lips with my fingertips once more. I didn't notice the light of realization dawn in Grimmjow. "I… don't know-" Grabbing a familiar wrist doing a familiar action. I was nose to nose with the espada- those lips in question hovering over my own. I felt a wave, a tremble, rush down my spine. _What...is this? What is this feeling? What is happening?_ I didn't even notice the hard glare I had on Grimmjow- naturally.

"I'm going to kiss you, bite you, press into you, and touch you Ichigo." _He's what?_ I was showing a look that said no way in hell but was feeling something, I couldn't explain. Was that apprehension? His words sent another one of those trembles through me. I felt my breath hitch on its own when those same lips from yesterday tilted down and pressed against my own.

_There it is...so it was...how come?_ My grip tightened on the hand that was near my face. I wasn't focused on that though. My attention was solely on that warmth that went through my shell. It made everything feel dull yet heightened. My breathing had become irregular along with my heartbeat. My body felt like it was trembling being overcome with feeling that is coursing through me overwhelming my system, my mind- my body. I stumbled back away from Grimmjow overcome with all that I _feel_, a tree held me up, but Grimmjow was right there. The lips that I had fallen away from were back. Incredibly warm hands slid up my neck cupping my jaw. A warm slick tongue danced with my own as I found myself returning the kiss. I found more than that. My hands were deep in blue tresses pulling to me.

It feels so _good_.

I groaned deeply as Grimmjow's hard body pressed against my own rolling making me very aware of my excited state. I was unconsciously glad that the feeling is mutual. It all feels amazing. I felt like I couldn't breathe and that I am completely consumed. Those hands- arms were wrapped around me under my shirt with fingers dancing along my backside. It made the fluttering in my stomach escalate. I felt a loss when his lips left my own, but it was replaced with heat when they pressed against my neck followed by teeth.

"Ah nhn...shit." Moaned to those lips and hips then his fingertips. I couldn't breathe correctly at all. I didn't know how to breathe in or out. It was all ragged and uneven. My back arched sharply to the hand that slid into my jeans and grabbed my throbbing erection. "Grimm-nh ahh." I was drowning...drowning in emotion with warmth flooding in my chest. I felt my hips rock with Grimmjow's strong slightly callused hand. I felt my body moving on its own seeking out more. Grimmjow seemed to growl lowly when my fingers were now sliding along washboard abs that felt absolutely divine.

"Feels...good..." Moaned out lowly bucking into the hand that gripped tighter. A low hum, almost a purr, came out of Grimmjow in response. "Ah fuck-ahh." His nail dug into the tip of my length and drug down sending scattered shocks through me. I want _more_ of that- of this. Grimmjow hissed as I drug my nails down his spine. A dark purr seemed to tear from his throat as bright blue eyes were mere inches from my own. Lips, so hot, were on mine once more.

"This is a park!" A shrill shot through my drugged like state making my head loll to the side to the mortified woman who was hiding a child behind her who clearly is giggling. I actually felt the equally mortified embarrassment as I would have years ago. I had Grimmjow away from me and was running my hand through my hair. "S-Sorry." Stuttered as Grimmjow huffed out a breath of annoyance.

"Well who fuckin' told you to watch lady? Fuck off!" He hissed at her, "Grimmjow." Bit out unable to keep the heat down when those cat eyes landed on me. I felt like my head was encased in fire. I couldn't look at his lips without thinking of his hand sliding along me. I covered my mouth to keep an unintentional groan down and adverted my gaze away. I only heard his light chuckle.

"Well I never!" The lady hissed insulted as she marched away with the child peering at us as he was being tugged away. I pushed myself further against the tree I was at when those lips came back into view. "What is your last question?" Quickly stammered out unable to focus on anything other than the heat going through me.

"...Do you remember how many hollows you killed?" I was staring at his shoulder when the question was posed. The images floating through my mind was helping turning my body back to the cold case that it is- that I am used to in a sense. "I don't know the number, but I remember all of their faces. Thousands..." I saw the hand, but...I didn't stop it this time. Grimmjow's warm hand curled around my chin and pulled up making me look at the eyes that were fifty-fifty now.

"..." _Why is he being so quiet?_ "Damn...I can see it turning..." Does he mean me feeling relatively normal again compared to the overwhelmed mess I was before? "I'm used to emptiness. I wonder if some people feel like before all the time. I don't know how anyone would handle that, much less think..." Ah, yes, normalcy. The bluntness is back though I still felt my stomach doing flops. There is nothing I can do about that though. I moved out from the tight position I was in and headed out of the park.

"Hey, just to let you know I am gonna do that again. Next time no one will be able to stop us." The tingle went through me as I met gazes with Grimmjow who stood over by the tree. I guess he caught on I didn't want him following me this time. He looked so_ serious._ Shaking it off and left the area. I found myself nearly running down the steps of the park and then the sidewalk. Shinji looked up to me when I burst through the front door and had it shut right away.

"Problems again?" He asked with a quirked brow. I stood there at the door and rubbed my chest. It was odd. I still felt some in there...some warmth.

"I don't know..."

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**Author's Note: **Sorry for the delay. Life happens. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed, and if I'm not mistaken this is where I last updated the previous time I posted... there's a lot more after this, so stay tuned.

**Thank you for the reviews: ****skyglazingMaro, A WholeFleetOfShips, Guest, and Roseradeno**


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